Buried Deep

This moment is temporary insanity
My enthusiasm is down, need to pick it up
Don't want you to think every minute is calamity
Can't let you see the real me

I want that dream;
The kids, the dog
That picket fence, manicured lawn
I know it's not right to use you like this
I need an out, I need a win
And you're a winner
help me out
Just this once
I'll learn to like you, learn to love you

This moment is temporary insanity
My enthusiasm is down, need to pick it up
Don't want you to think that every minute is calamity
Can't let you see the real me

Where's this desperation come from?
This need, this drive
I don't see you I see security
I see things, status
I see through you to that perfect life
It's not your fault
It's a lack in me
Somethings missing, at least i think it is

This moment is temporary insanity
My enthusiasm is down, need to pick it up
Don't want you to think that every minute is calamity
Can't let you see the real me

You're my shot out of this mess
My salvation
Don't know where these mercenary tendencies came from
There are here though and i can't shake them
I want to want you
More than the possibilities
More than for the monetary
But I don't

This moment is temporary insanity
My enthusiasm is down, need to pick it up
Don't want you to think every minute is calamity
Can't let you see the real me

Can you feel my desperation as I take your hand
Don't you sense my panic when you leave the room
You seem so complacent
My smile is over bright
I clasp I grab
needing you in my sights
You are my future
I've determined you are my out

This moment is temporary insanity
My enthusiasm is down need to pick it up
Don't want you to think every minute is calamity
Can't let you see the real me

Trying to collect myself
Bring it all together
Show the face you've been accustom to
The one you seem to like, to love
Only a brief flash of the real me
The one I keep hidden

My every moment is insanity
Faking my enthusiasm until it is real
Creating calamity in my every minute
The real me buried deep beneath this facade

A Good Day

Simple things can turn the day around. Tonight a walk after the rain made the day good.

Oh so we are doing this now?

When did the lingering hug become the thing?

And I am not saying for close friends, I expect to linger then. I mean when you see someone you haven't seen since high school and you were never in a "hug" relationship with them. Or your friends step mom you see once in a while. Is it the appropriate thing to linger with everyone now?

Was there a memo I missed?

Now I feel bad when I pull away. Should I have held in there longer? Do they think that I think that they smell? That I don't like them? Maybe I am the one doing something wrong. Am I in some way encouraging the linger, the extra squeeze?

Favorite Things

There are a few things in life that give me as much pleasure as laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and listening to music.

That is all.

What is Love?

I love talking with my friends their insight and opinions on life never cease to amaze and inspire me. Sometimes I cringe and wonder how they can think that way but more often than not I am reaffirmed in my personal thought and often find more clarity than what I was looking for. When in the midst of these good discussions/talks I lose track of time and just want things to go on and on.

A discussion and thought that I think that most people who aren't in love, married whatever think about. There are a lot of thing that I "know" logically yet I'm not ready to emotionally come to gripes with. One of my favorite movie quotes comes from Saving Silverman; "Doesn't 'One and only someone' mean; One and Only?" That brings up the question of whether or not there is a one and only, the infamous soul mate. Does that exist?

In all honesty I don't think so. At least that is what my mind tells me, my heart is a totally different story. And I think the mind comes into play here because I know that love is more than just an instantaneous feeling. It is something that grows and becomes more as you get to know someone better. At least that is the way I feel that most relationships do. The more you understand the more you love.

I had a friend put the idea this way: If attraction/love is like a fire if it a huge fireball of flames those are going to burn out at sometime there is just no way to maintain that level of passion consistently. Instead if you build love, like a fire and continue to feel it wood it grows bigger and the flame stays around. I don't know if I am doing the description justice. I hope you get the idea.

My mind understands this concept and I agree that this is supposedly the best way that loves survives you constantly feed it.

I have even had another friend who said there have been plenty of perfectly good guys she could be happy being married to. She just wasn't ready for a relationship. I don't know if I agree or disagree with this sentiment or not. I am pretty sure that I disagree there are a lot of guys I have met, perfectly nice and great guys that I COULD not be happily married to, then again maybe I am just more close minded.

Then there comes this idea how do you know you are with/marrying the right person? I've heard many different theories most of them boil down to this: When it is right you know. Helpful I know. So I asked my Grandmother today, who met my grandfather labor day weekend and married him December 30 of the same year, when she knew. He. my grandfather knew on their first date, well before that. He asked her to marry him and kept at it until she said yes. She didn't know until after they were married. Even on their wedding day she had doubts. So does that blow the idea that you will know out of the water? A little.

I think that movies have played a HUGE role in what we expect from love and romance. I am not going to lie I want that big moment. You know the one where the music swells and your eyes meet across the room and you know you cannot live without each other.

Here is the thing though shouldn't you be a complete person without them? I know I could live without. I think the ultimate goal is that life with much better with that person by your side. Maybe that is the goal find someone who makes everything better.

An Easy way to Change it Up

I love love love doing my nails. I like painting them. I like finding crazy colors to paint them (not yellow though it makes me think of dead fingernails). I found that you could have metallic nails I had to have them. Thus I became Beyonce-fied. I am pretty much down to try anything, on my nails that is.

Something I don't understand is people who are afraid of certain colors or looks on their nails. I want to shake them and ask what they are afraid of. It isn't permanent in fact it is one of the least permanent things you can do to your self. People paint their small children's nails. I mean it smells but other than that there is nothing lasting about it.

This is actually my annoyance with nail polish. I hate taking it off and putting it back on. Probably because I can never find the nail polish remover. Mainly this is due to the fact that I like my nails to be painted all the time. That way you can't see any of the dirt I might get under them. The only thing I don't like about painting them is the time it takes to dry and the need to do absolutely nothing while they do dry. You need like a 2 hour block of time. I have solved this by doing them progressively over the work day. Also buying those nail polish removers that allow you to remove the polish from one nail instead of pouring it onto a cotton ball and ruining all of your nails. The one thing I don't like about nails is I don't like getting them done. I honestly don't feel like a manicurist does that mush better of a job than me. I mean sure if I am getting fake nails they are necessary but for just polish I can do it all on my own. Also what is the deal with their colors. People come here to get their nails painted!!! Have some crazy variety, and I don't mean different shades of red and pink, spice it up!

Hmmm..... who knew I could write so much about nails?

How Does this Seem to be the Case?

Something got me riled this weekend. Instead of my usual response to ignore it and let it go I decided to address the problem. I wrote what I felt to be very clear e-mails to the parties involved. They may have made me look crazy (I stand by the fact that they did in fact not). Maybe the hurt was still a little to raw and they came across as more than I wanted it to.

Anyway to make the point I have already gotten a response from one of the e-mails. In my response I think I apologized!! Why cannot I not shake this need to be a good girl and appease people, make them happy? I still think I have a right to be annoyed but now I feel bad about how I expressed myself. Why?

How did this get so turned around? I'm still mad but now I think I could have handled the situation better or stated myself more clearly. Even worse now I am wondering if I viewed the entire situation wrong.

Why do I always end up conceding like this? Why can't I ever hold onto my "righteous" anger? Probably for the best that I am able to move on and forgive so easily. Right?

I guess the point is that I apologize for getting mad.

It just hits like a Bullet

Songs that is. I can take a song and like most people make it all about me. To me that is what makes a good song; when the lyrics and music all comes together. In fact it is one of the things I hate most when the lyrics rock and I can't stand the music or vice versa. Although I guess not all groups/artists/bands can be that universally awesome.

Also I become obsessed with a song. I want to listen to it all the time. No matter how much annoys other people. I can't help it, I want to crawl into the song and live there. Today "Help I'm alive" by Metric is the place I want to live.

We're in a Recession, Right?

I had perplexing experience the other day. My friend and I decided that we wanted a new make-up look. A day look to be exact, one that make it look like we are wearing make-up, something to mix into the rotation. I didn't think it would become the adventure that it did.

We started at Nordstrom, Mac the destination. We get a salesperson/make-up artist to help us. Her make-up is like most people that work at Mac, over the top and colorful. She proceeds to do my friend's make-up first. It was pretty basic browns and what not. Not anything crazy fancy, yet there was something off about it. When it was my turn I said I wanted something navy and gold. I got browns and teal. And definitely didn't love it.

It should also be noted here that the salesperson failed to sell anything other than eye shadow. We said day look not just eyes, but the whole deal. She failed to mention anything else, well that's not true she offered my friend lipstick, not me though. no blush, no foundation, nothing. Good thing I'm not her manager.

Dissatisfied with our look we next headed to Ulta, and couldn't find anyone to help us, although in Ulta's defense did have a line at the register. It was here that we saw a look that we wanted to try out. So we headed back to the mall and this time went to Sephora, inside JC Penney's. We found someone to help us and she told us that she could give a ten minute tutorial on how to do a smoky eye or show us how to apply foundation and cover up. Umm thanks? (I have a whole rant on the smoky eye, that I will have to get into at another time.)

We leave and go to another mall. We are going to try Sephora, not one inside of JC penny's. here we are told the same thing, but we feel that we are armed with the look we saw at Ulta. Apparently at this Sephora, they don't actually want to help you. I swear we were extremely clear about what we wanted, nope she did not want to help us. So we left (another person who should be glad I'm not her boss). She went so far as to say we should just you tube what we wanted and learn that way. Um we wanted you to show us what to buy and you want us to leave and go home and look it up? Okay?



Back to Nordstrom. Mac was busy so we found a salesperson working the Nars, counter. She finally helped. At this point I was done. She only did my friend's make-up. It was fine, better than the first try. This person failed to sell as well. Until asked. It was a little ridiculous.

And this whole time I thought we were in a recession. Guess I was wrong, these stores obviously don't want my business.