Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I've never felt like this before...

....No seriously and I think it might be pretty pathetic, but maybe not totally atypical. Probably i am sort of a weirdo. I want to talk about liking someone as more than a friend. how eighth grade it that. I know lame. I can't help it though, I feel like I have flashed back to middle school. And here is why, I like someone, well I have been liking someone. You know like like- and the last time I can think of this happening, at least to me really giving into the feeling was in middle school.

Here is a little back story on me; I'm really good at keeping my emotions in check. I don't let myself get into deep. I always hold something back. This is probably the reason I have never had a serious boyfriend and get nervous when people start to like me. This has also led to many other problems, issues, whatever in my life. I keep people out, not the best way to live. However once you are in I am so crazy loyal to you and we are pretty much best friends for life. What can I say I am an all or nothing kind of girl. Keep in mind though this in is still conditional. My best friend for the last 9 years has never seen me cry, and note that we did live together for 4 of those years. So I am a tough nut to crack.

Okay back to the boy issue. So I like this guy and there hasn't been that much of an advancement in our relationship. It has gone from friends to friends who hang out a lot, but never kiss. And there is sexual tension there. I am generally alright with this. There is a time limit on any relationship we could potentially start, and I don't think I want to do long distance (and remember there is no kissing, no making out, nothing). But I like him. Like like.

There is this weird thing that overcomes me. I don't want to make plans for the night unless I know that he is doing something else. It is a weird desperation. And it is hard to describe. It isn't like I am desperate and feel like I would be lost without him. It is more that I would rather be hanging out with him than not, because of this I make only tentative plans that I can break. I finally understand what happens to my girlfriends when they get boyfriends and why I end up forgotten. It isn't that they don't want to hang out with me it is just that they would rather be spending time with him.

In addition to this I want him to feel the same way. I want him to make plans to hang out with me constantly, without me pushing for more. I want him to want me. I don't know if I am describing this well or if I am making myself sound like some pathetic girly girl. Something I have strived never to be. It isn't as if I think he is the one or anything like that. I just want someone to want to be with me and I think that the desire is surfacing and being projected onto this guy. And I do like him it isn't all the first guy who pays attention to me and I am envisioning us married with kids. Not like that at all, well maybe a little - I have an over active imagination. It isn't in some weird creepy stalker way just your typical doodle his last name and my first name in a notebook type of way (which I haven't done).

I am a realist I know that he is leaving soon and our relationship at best would be describe as a friendship. I know this yet want more. At least would like to see what more is like.

I guess the point that I am driving at is that I finally understand. I understand the slight desperation that over takes you. Thinking to yourself that if you aren't there then he will forget about you and find someone better. That if you don't show how cool and chill you are he won't like you (not that I am changing myself at all - definitely don't believe in that).

Maybe this is due to something that people don't really know about me, I am faux confident. I am really good with appearing like I know that I am pretty awesome while inside I know that I am not all that cool. Just a dork. Especially when it comes to boys, guys, men, whatever. They never seem to like me. At least the ones that I could have some interest in. So I really have no self assurance in these situations.

It is a weird sensation for me though. Liking someone. And them liking me back. Ending with us both being wusses afraid to make any physical move. At least there won't be a break up though. No reason to sit around and mope about the lose of a friend. Right?

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