What I Am

How do people know what they want. How do people determine what they want to do everyday? How do they keep up the "dream" and stick with it? I find myself wanting something new everyday. I mean when I was a kid I wanted to be one of these three things; actress, model or singer. Turns out I am none of the above, not that I am much of anything as far as career's go right now. That changed as I realized I didn't have the drive, or height to achieve those dreams.

I changed to being a lawyer. It sounded smart and interesting. Then I worked in a law firm and I was bored. So three years of really expensive school are now out. Now my ideal life changes on a daily basis. Trophy wife, that would be nice but I might get bored. Actress gets revisited, although I don't think I have the desire necessary for it. Also anything that would make me famous I am now leery of. I would hate to be stalked by photographers.

So I wonder how to people choose something. How did they figure out what it was they loved above everything else? I have no clue what it is I am really good at. I have no idea what it is I love and what I would love to do everyday. There are somethings I think of but then I wonder if I could stick with it or if I am really that good at it.

I am plagued by doubts. I wonder if I can surpass them and become the person I am supposed to be instead of what I am.

Time for Sweet Country Air

Every year my family head out for a week long camping trip. We go with several other families. When I was a kid it was great there were three other kids my age. So every year we would do whatever we wanted in the woods. Some days hiking, others swimming at the lake. It was great. That is where my family is headed tomorrow.

The thing is though as the years have gone by people stop coming. It gets kind of sad. The glory days are over. We keep going and it is only sad memories of what used to be. In a way I want to give it up but I don't think I am ready to.

As a kid I always thought that I would get married and start bringing my kids up and so would my friends. Only one of us has kids right now. I drive out tomorrow and part of me wants to stay behind. Let the memories be as great as I remembered them. The other part recognizes that this camping place is one of my favorite places in the world.

Something about it makes me feel like I am home. Not that I could ever live there its to far away from everything. We'll have to see what happens after this week. I might swear it off forever (probably not).

After the Birthday

It was a crazy week. Worked everyday this week 'cept Sunday. Kept my mind off the things that have been going awry in my life. This is just kind of an update on the week since I haven't been able to write this week.

The birthday celebration was fun. Started out in North Portland at a pizza parlor. Then we saw a flyer for fashion movies through the summer. Live music at sunset and movies to follow. "Clueless" was the movie of the night. Turns out it was not as many people as we thought it would be. Just a couple of friends watching a movie in their backyard. Apparently it was also a requirement to bring your own girlfriend and weed. Then we hit a place for some dessert. It was awesome. Rimsky's I totally recommend it, if you can find it.

So all in all a great celebration. The birthday turned out better than I thought.

Birthday

It's my brithday today. I am not excited about this and I am not unexcited. I just wish I had more time. I'm not sure what for but I want it. Maybe if life didn't move so fast I could get things figured out.

Things I Shouldn't Like But Do

I like the fact that it is forth of July and it smells like the world is on fire. I know it's wrong to like that when parts of the world are on fire. Doesn't change it. I like that smell of smoke and black powder in the air. This could perhaps go along with my loving the smell of gasoline. I guess I just like the smell of destruction. I also like the smell of a freshly lit cigarette. Not the smoke after it clings to you and not a room that has some smokers in it and the smell of their old cigarettes lingers. I like the fresh smell.

I liked not having a job. Not having to go to work everyday and deal with those people I'd grown to hate. I like being able to make my own plans on what I was going to do with my time. Being able to meet friends for lunch without worrying about having to rush back to the office.

Popping zits. I know I shouldn't. It's also a little gross. Although I feel better after it's done.

Tanning. I love laying out on a blanket, reading a magazine and cooking my skin. A nice golden brown is my color of choice. I love the sweat and the heat. The annoyance of having to hold the book/magazine in front of my face. I love the way I look when I'm tan. I know I should stop and it will age me faster and I could get cancer. I know this and I just can't care.

Crappy TV. Why can't I stop watching things like "Girlicious?" I know it sucks and yet I can't stop watching. "Jon and Kate Plus 8" has become an obsession. I can't get over the fact that they have eight two year olds or something close to that. And then any count down Vh1 puts on I am sucked in for hours. Yet I really like the count downs even when I know I will spend all day in front of the TV (even if I've already seen it).

So there ya go some of my guilty pleasures (not all just some).

Scrub the Day Away

I have an obsession with beauty products. I read about them on the Internet or magazines and then I have to try something. One of these necessities in my life is a body scrub. I made it the first 23 years of my life with the dead skin just sitting on me all the time. I was not the smoothest I could be. Maybe I'd be married by now if I had discovered this miracle of a product before then.

It wasn't that I didn't know that it existed I just couldn't afford it on my college life budget. A good body scrub is about $15-$20 and it doesn't last that long. I would draw it out and only exfoliate on the weekends. It wasn't enough so I moved to every other day. Then I just went through the stuff faster.

I know I don't need it but I love the way the stuff makes me feel. I also can't stand the stuff they sell at drugstores. It has to be huge pieces of sand that scrape against. I need to feel it working. Also a lot of brands that are that rough have an oily base to them. Not horrible but not great. I found one that I loved but went through it in about two weeks.

Then I found it. The perfect remedy. The Buf Puff. I had heard a lot about this loofah when it first came out in the nineties (maybe it was just a resurgence). Never thought anything about it then I was at Ulta and I though for four dollars I can try this thing out.

I love love it!! All the dead skin is gone and I can use it with normal body wash and replace it after about two months. It comes in different levels of abrasiveness. I went for original. It is intended to be used for your face but I think it might be too rough (turns out they have one specifically for body just did some Internet research). Although I could get a gentle one because I use face scrub too (I do like the classic St. Ives Apricot scrub though).

Just a thought for people who might have the same problem that I do.

The Buf Puff.

Being Single otherwise known as BEING ALONE

I really honestly don't mind not having a boyfriend. There is no one I know that I would like to have the position and frankly they seem like a lot of work. I don't know if I have time to deal with one. I'm still figuring out what it is I want from life let alone having to work with what someone wants from me.

However I feel like a boyfriend would make my life easier. I often have to go to friends birthday parties or weddings. This in itself is not bad except when I don't really know anyone or everyone there is with a significant other. Then I am the odd one out. I have to drive alone to this event (they are not always close).

Then I deal with everyone setting me up. "You're funny we've got this friend who would be perfect for you!" Then they turn to the person they came with, "Don't you think so, Honey?" Then depending on how much the boyfriend/girlfriend is participating I get a nod or something like a "Totally!" The rest of the conversation relates to the set up how I prefer it done and so on.

I am open to this potential set up, usually. There are a lot of factors; how close of friends I am with the people doing the setting up, and how attractive the friends' of theirs' I have met are. Although the set ups rarely happen and it is all just conversation.

Also I think some close friends are wondering what is wrong with me. How come I never have a boyfriend? Or at least a date? Well I never meet anyone I want to take anywhere. All my dates end miserably. Sometimes they end arguing over Star Wars (I haven't seen the three recent ones and those were the ones we were arguing over). They don't get my jokes or vice versa and so on.

I think the most awful moment regarding being single happened at a friends wedding. He was getting married before he had finished college and I was in my last year. I brought my roommate (I didn't want to drive alone). The seating was open and we were sitting with another friend who had driven down for it and then some friend's of the bride. This woman turns to the three of us and says; "So is it weird that you are graduating from college..." There is a huge pause and we all answer in the affirmative, it is weird. Then she continues, "And not even married?" Uh, no but thanks for making me feel like it's weird.

I think it makes people vaguely uncomfortable to. "Oh, you came without a date? I think I can find someone for you." Thanks for making me feel like half a person. I felt fine showing up alone until you made me feel awkward. I hope I never do that when I am in a relationship. I mean most people have been single for a time. At least I hope they spent some time getting to know themselves.

A boyfriend would save me from all of this. He would be required to come with me to these events and he would stop all ideas of setting me up. Although we would have to field questions about when were thinking about getting engaged. So there is a con to all this. Not to mention that there isn't a guy I have met recently that I could stand to make extended conversation to or failing that imagine my self at least making out with.

I guess for now though I'll have to keep living my life like that dinner party from the Bridget Jones: Diary movie (where everyone is staring at her alone at the end of the table and she gets asked about why she can't find a man to marry).

Lamest Person Alive

Sometimes I know who is the lamest person in the world is. LIke right now. And that person is me. Today I laid on the floor and let the dog lick my face. I don't know why I guess there was nothing else to do.

I thought perhaps that people who play "Dungeons and Dragons" were lamer than me. My brother comforted me with the fact that nope they aren't. Why? Well, they aren't playing alone. Great.

So I have no idea what to do with my day but I am pretty sure it can't get worse. Can it?